Why Are We So Self Critical? Exploring Self-Criticism Through Therapy
Key Takeaways:
Self-criticism often develops as a childhood survival strategy, though it can have multiple origins
It creates internal dynamics between different parts of yourself that you're likely unaware of
The critical voice isn't objective truth but a subjective inner voice
Various therapeutic approaches can help, including depth therapy, CBT, and mindfulness-based methods
Change is possible
Over many years of practice I've come to observe some common features of self-criticism both in myself and in the clients I work with. One such observation is that we often talk horribly to ourselves. In addition, we are always talking to ourselves about ourselves.
As Psychoanalyst Adam Phillips writes in his book 'Side Effects':
"I am talking to myself, but who exactly is doing the talking, the strangely silent talking we call thinking; and who, perhaps more perplexingly, is the listener when we are talking to ourselves?"
In this strange inner conversation, we are both doer and done to. When you criticize yourself, there is a part of you that's doing the criticizing and a part of you that is feeling criticized. It's an intrapsychic dynamic that functions much like a sadomasochistic one—a dominant, authoritative voice lays down the law to another part that is submissive and cowering underneath the weight of the assault.
For many of us, persistent self-criticism becomes a routine part of existence, and as a result we can get locked into this internal dynamic and struggle to get out. We often talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to other people... or perhaps more accurately, our relationships sometimes suffer because we start to talk to people like we talk to ourselves.
Living Under Attack
When we're caught in this harsh relationship with ourselves, the effects can be profound. The part of us that's constantly under attack may begin to live in a state of chronic stress and hypervigilance, continually feeling beaten down, often insufficient and frequently inadequate.
This internal pattern creates what I observe in my practice in Berkhamsted: people who appear successful on the outside but feel fraudulent within, accomplished individuals who dismiss their achievements, talented people convinced they're unworthy. The constant internal criticism often exhausts rather than motivates. Rather than improving performance, it can paralyze because it tends to be shame-inducing.
Living under this regime can mean never feeling safe in your own mind, rarely experiencing the relief of self-acceptance, and having limited access to the creativity and spontaneity that might emerge when we're not constantly monitoring ourselves for flaws.
So what is this persistent self-criticism about and why can it feel so difficult to change?
Understanding Why Self-Critical Patterns Develop
One important lens for understanding persistent self-criticism is through attachment theory. Consider that at least part of the function of self-criticism may be as a survival strategy to keep us close to those we depended upon.
In his essay 'Against Self-Criticism', Adam Phillips writes:
"How has it come about that we so enjoy this picture of ourselves as objects, and as objects of judgment and censorship? What is this appetite for confinement, for diminishment, for unrelenting, unforgiving self-criticism? Freud's answer is beguilingly simple: we fear loss of love."
From this perspective, a key part of the 'engine' of self-criticism may be avoiding the loss of love and acceptance. Attachment theory describes the innate urge to seek proximity to caregivers for survival, not just physical closeness but psychological closeness through acceptance.
We don't often think about self-criticism this way, but one function may be maintaining vigilance that keeps us acceptable to important others. Imagine a child who desperately needs their parents' love but notices that certain parts of themselves make their parents withdraw or disapprove. Self-criticism can become a solution:
If I can see what's wrong with me before they do, and criticize myself first, maybe I can fix it and stay safe.
Other Origins of Self-Critical Patterns
While attachment dynamics provide one valuable lens, self-critical patterns can develop through various pathways:
Cultural and social pressures can instill perfectionist standards that fuel constant self-monitoring. Social media and comparison culture intensify these patterns.
Academic or professional environments that over emphasise high achievement can create internalized critical voices focused on performance.
Traumatic experiences beyond early attachment relationships can create vigilant, self-protective internal voices.
Neurodivergent traits such as rejection sensitivity can make self-criticism feel particularly intense and persistent.
Understanding your particular pattern's origins can be helpful, though these various factors often interact and reinforce each other
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What Self-Criticism Actually Is (The Voice Behind the Curtain)
Therapeutic breakthroughs often happen when people begin to distinguish that their self-criticism isn't an objective reporting of facts, but more like a subjective voice with assumed authority. Sometimes it sounds exactly like a critical parent or teacher, sometimes it's a mixture of critical voices we've internalized over time.
Adam Phillips writes "the self-critical part of ourselves has some striking deficiencies: it is remarkably narrow-minded; it has an unusually impoverished vocabulary; and it is, like all propagandists, relentlessly repetitive."
What therapy can create is the possibility of seeing beyond the facade of this seemingly authoritative part of yourself. It's a bit like the Wizard of Oz, self-criticism can be a lot of noise and bluster without much real authority, though it can feel like a pronouncement from an absolute authority.
You can't stop critical thoughts entirely, we don't choose our thoughts, but you might not be condemned to believe all the criticisms that arise, and this distinction can be key.
Working with Self-Critical Patterns
There are various therapeutic approaches for working with persistent self-critical patterns, and what works varies between individuals.
In my practice in Berkhamsted, I often begin by helping people become more aware of their critical voice and articulating what its criticisms actually are. This can be significant work because we're not typically conscious of this process. But gradually, we can begin to hear its complaints and develop a "bird's eye view" of the pattern.
In gestalt therapy, there's a name for this dynamic—top dog/under dog. The top dog is the dominating part that issues criticism, and the underdog is the part that feels beaten down and powerless in response. Psychoanalyst Karen Horney described the pattern as "the tyranny of the shoulds," where how we actually are gets continually compared to an idealized conception of ourselves, how we should be. In therapy people often get much more aware of that word should, and what can hide underneath it.
These frameworks can help create new possibilities for relating to the pattern and breaking down old ways of thinking and feeling.
Working with self-criticism therapeutically involves several key elements:
Developing awareness of when the critical voice is active and learning to work with it skilfully.
Understanding the origins of your particular critical voice and the protective function it may have served.
Learning to be mindful of the critic rather than being completely dominated by it.
Developing self-compassion as an alternative to self-attack, relating to yourself with kindness rather than harsh judgment.
What Changes Might Become Possible
When people begin to develop a different relationship with their self-critical patterns, various changes may become possible. Outcomes vary significantly between individuals, and change typically requires time and sustained effort.
Energy may be freed up for creativity and growth when less energy is consumed by constant self-monitoring. Many people discover they have more motivation when not exhausted by internal conflict.
Relationships may improve as people become less likely to project internal critical dynamics onto others.
More authentic self-expression may become possible when the fear of internal criticism lessens.
Resilience may develop as setbacks become information for learning rather than catastrophic attacks on self-worth.
Capacity for joy may expand when positive experiences aren't immediately undermined by criticism.
These changes are possibilities rather than guarantees.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is self-criticism so hard to change?
Self-critical patterns often developed as protective strategies and our nervous systems can associate these patterns with safety. Change can feel threatening even when the pattern causes distress. Additionally, these patterns often operate automatically, outside conscious awareness.
Is self-criticism always problematic?
Self-reflection and honest self-assessment can be valuable. The concern arises when self-criticism becomes constant, harsh, and shame-inducing rather than curious and growth-oriented.
Can these patterns change?
Yes, change is possible, though it typically takes time and often benefits from professional support. Different approaches work for different people.
What if I become complacent without self-criticism?
This is a common worry, but many people find that when not exhausted by harsh self-attack, they actually have more energy for genuine growth and positive change.
How can I tell the difference between helpful self-reflection and destructive self-criticism?
Helpful self-reflection tends to be curious, specific, and oriented toward growth. Destructive self-criticism tends to be harsh, repetitive, and shame-based.
What does self-compassion mean?
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness you might offer a good friend facing difficulty. It's not about lowering standards but about relating to your struggles with understanding rather than attack.
Exploring a Different Relationship with Self-Criticism
If you're interested in exploring these patterns, I offer therapy in Berkhamsted that helps people understand the origins of their self-critical patterns and develop more compassionate ways of relating to themselves. Feel free to be in touch with any questions you might have
Phone: 07717 515 013
Email: sean@seanheneghan.com
Located at: Berkhamsted Chiropractic Clinic, 69 High Street, Berkhamsted
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About Sean Heneghan - Therapist in Berkhamsted
Sean Heneghan is a BACP registered counsellor and member of The British Acupuncture Council serving Berkhamsted for over 20 years. He offers an integrative approach combining depth-oriented therapy with somatic awareness to support emotional regulation and self-understanding.
Services include:
Gestalt counselling and therapy
Traditional acupuncture
Support for self-criticism, shame, and relationship patterns
Serving Berkhamsted, Tring, Hemel Hempstead, St Albans, and the wider Hertfordshire area
References and Suggested Reading
Phillips, A. (1994). Against Self-Criticism. In On Flirtation. Harvard University Press.
Phillips, A. (2006). Side Effects. Harper Perennial.
Stone, H. & Stone, S. (1993). Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset. HarperOne.
Horney, K. (1950). Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization. W. W. Norton.
Cassidy, J. and Shaver, P.R. (eds.) (2016) Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. 3rd edn. New York: Guilford Press.