Why am I depressed? Exploring what's underneath

Key Insights:

Depression as signal = symptoms point to deeper losses and unmet needs, not just chemical imbalance 

Hidden grief = we lose more than people, we lose time, identities, possibilities, hope for the future 

Body wisdom = depression is felt physically and holds important information about our experience 

Relational healing = depression thrives in isolation but can transform through genuine connection 

 

When people think of depression, they often think of the symptoms: lethargy, fatigue, loss of interest in life, and a loss of sparkle. But these symptoms are an expression of depression rather than the essence of it. They are signals, like the color of leaves that indicate the health of a tree. 

Depression is not merely a list of clinical criteria or a chemical imbalance to be patched over; it's often a profound reflection of the state of a self, and a self is an intricate and complex experience. Depression can be the psyche's way of telling us that something vital is withering. 

 

The Hidden Geography of Loss 

Loss often sits quietly at the heart of depression, but we tend to think of loss too narrowly. Yes, we grieve people, loved ones who die, relationships that end, parents who were never emotionally available. But we lose much more than people. 

William Styron in 'Darkness visible', the memoir of his own Depression, wrote:

'Loss in all of its manifestations is the touchstone of depression—in the progress of the disease and, most likely, in its origin' he also went on to say 'I felt loss at every hand. The loss of self-esteem is a celebrated symptom, and my own sense of self had all but disappeared, along with any self-reliance'

This is depression as a kind of vanishing, and we are prone to all sorts of vanishings in the forms of loss. We lose time, we lose identities, we lose possibilities. We lose visions of the future and the kind of youthful innocence that animates us with hope. We lose the person we thought we'd become, the career we imagined, the family we dreamed of, the vitality we once felt. These cumulative losses can slowly erode the spirit so that one's general emotional state becomes flattened and joyless over time. 

As psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud observed in his foundational work Mourning and Melancholia, depression often involves mourning for something that has been lost, though we may not always be conscious of what that something is. 

 

Types of Loss That Can Fuel Depression 

Relational losses: Death, divorce, abandonment, betrayal, emotional unavailability 

Identity losses: Who you thought you were, roles that defined you, capabilities you once had 

Possibility losses: Dreams that didn't materialize, paths not taken, opportunities missed 

Developmental losses: Childhood that was lost to trauma, innocence, sense of safety 

Meaning losses: Purpose, spiritual connection, hope for the future 

 

When Hope Collapses 

At its core, depression often emerges when we have lost what we deeply value and when we believe what we value can no longer be obtained. As Styron wrote, 'It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul'

Depression is not only about mourning the past; it's equally about the erosion of hope for the future, the sense that what we once envisioned or desired is no longer possible. 

Attachment theorist John Bowlby understood depression as a response to perceived hopelessness about ever having our attachment needs met. When we lose faith that connection, love, or meaning are possible, depression can settle in as a protective withdrawal from a world that feels too painful to engage with. 

It's a collapse of both remembering fondly and imagining a vital future, leaving the present feeling hollow and seemingly unlivable. 

 

Making Contact with What's Been Lost 

So often, these experiences are hidden and unarticulated. It's a common feature of depression to be unable to find what we're so deeply sad about, which is where therapy comes in—by making the unconscious conscious. By bringing these experiences into awareness, naming them, and feeling them without turning away, we can begin to water the roots of the tree. 

The first step is often beginning to discover what has been lost. This might seem straightforward, but most of us are remarkably skilled at avoiding grief. We keep moving, working, performing, anything to avoid feeling regret and disappointment. Yet when these unnamed losses remain underground, they continue to shape us silently, pulling us down in ways we don't understand. 

If something about loss in the context of depression speaks to you, you might gently ask yourself: 

 

What is it that I cherished that is now gone? 

What do I need that I now feel I can't obtain? 

What version of my life am I grieving? 

What hope have I given up on? 

 

These questions can encourage deeper contact with your hidden experience. Depression often numbs us to avoid this pain, but it also numbs us to joy, vitality, and connection. Turning toward the losses can feel like inviting a storm, but paradoxically, storms can clear the air for new growth. 

 

Making Space for the Body 

Much of this work is not purely intellectual. Depression is felt in the body: a weight in the chest, a tightness in the gut, a sluggishness in the limbs, a sense of carrying something unbearably heavy. 

Somatic therapist Peter Levine notes that unprocessed experiences often live in the body as physical sensations and tensions. Bringing gentle awareness to these sensations, rather than immediately trying to change them, can open a new kind of relationship to what is happening, one that can truly make a difference. 

Instead of treating these sensations as obstacles to fix, we can learn to relate to them as messengers, signals of needs and unprocessed experiences that require attention. The heaviness in your chest might be holding grief. The tightness in your stomach might be unexpressed anger or fear. 

This is not about forcing yourself to "cheer up" or "move more" as motivational solutions. It is about listening to what your body is telling you about your needs, your history, and your defenses. 

 

Why We Cannot Do This Alone 

While self-reflection and somatic awareness are powerful, there is a limit to what we can hold on our own. Depression often thrives in isolation; it pulls us away from others precisely when we most need contact. 

Interpersonal therapist Harry Stack Sullivan understood that we become depressed in relationships and often heal in relationships. When depression is met in safe relationship, it can begin to loosen its grip. In the presence of another who does not recoil from your pain nor try to push you into premature solutions, new possibilities can begin to emerge. 

Depression, when met this way, can reveal grief, longing, and even buried desires waiting to come alive. The therapeutic relationship provides what depression often steals: the experience of being seen, understood, and valued even in your darkest moments. 

 

When to Seek Professional Support 

Immediate help needed: Thoughts of self-harm, suicide, or feeling unsafe 

Severe symptoms: Unable to function at work/home, significant sleep/appetite changes 

Duration: Symptoms persist for more than two weeks without improvement 

Isolation: Complete withdrawal from relationships and activities 

Substance use: Using alcohol or drugs to cope with depressive feelings 

Medical concerns: Physical symptoms that might need medical evaluation 

 

A Slow Return to Life 

There is no quick route out of depression, no universal map. But there is often a path, and it begins by honoring the full truth of your losses and the meanings they carry. By tending to the roots rather than simply painting the leaves green, you can cultivate the conditions for a new kind of growth. 

This doesn't mean accepting depression as permanent or embracing suffering unnecessarily. It means understanding that depression might be pointing to something important about your life that needs attention, losses that need grieving, needs that aren't being met, or parts of yourself that have been exiled. 

Recovery is rarely linear. It's more like learning to tend a garden after a harsh winter, some days there are small shoots of growth, other days the ground feels barren. But with patience, proper care, and often professional support, life can gradually return. 

 

Frequently Asked Questions 

How do I know if my depression is serious enough for therapy?

If depression is affecting your daily functioning, relationships, or overall quality of life for more than a couple of weeks, professional support can be helpful. You don't need to wait until things become severe—early intervention often leads to better outcomes. 

What if I can't figure out what I'm depressed about?

This is very common. Depression often involves losses or needs that haven't been fully conscious. Therapy can help you explore and identify what might be underneath your symptoms in a safe, supportive environment. 

Is depression always about loss?

Not always. Depression can have many causes including genetics, medical conditions, trauma, or life circumstances. However, understanding any losses—even subtle ones—can be an important part of healing for many people. 

Will talking about sad things make my depression worse?

When done safely with proper support, exploring difficult feelings typically brings relief rather than making things worse. A skilled therapist can help you process these experiences at a pace that feels manageable. 

How long does depression therapy take?

This varies greatly depending on your individual situation, the severity of symptoms, and your specific needs. Some people notice improvements within weeks, while deeper work may take months or longer. There's no standard timeline for healing. 

What if my depression has physical causes?

Depression can have both psychological and physical components. It's always worth consulting with your GP about physical health factors while also exploring the emotional and relational aspects through therapy. 

 

If you're struggling with depression and looking for support: 

I offer therapy in Berkhamsted that explores the deeper meanings behind depressive symptoms while providing practical support for managing difficult emotions and rebuilding connection to life. 

Phone: 07717 515 013 
Email: sean@seanheneghan.com 
Located at: Berkhamsted Chiropractic Clinic, 69 High Street, Berkhamsted 

 

About Sean Heneghan - Depression Therapist in Berkhamsted 

Sean Heneghan is a BACP registered counsellor and a member of The British Acupuncture Council serving Berkhamsted for over 20 years. He offers an integrative approach combining depth-oriented therapy with somatic awareness to support people through depression, grief, and life transitions. 

Services include: 

Gestalt counselling and therapy 

Traditional acupuncture 

Support for depression, grief, life transitions, and relationship issues 

Serving Berkhamsted, Tring, Hemel Hempstead, St Albans, and the wider Hertfordshire area. 

 

 

References and Suggested Reading 

Freud, S. (1917). Mourning and Melancholia. In The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume XIV. 

Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 3: Loss, Sadness and Depression. Basic Books. 

Levine, P. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books. 

Styron, W. (1990). Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness. Random House. 

 

Article updated: September 2025