Therapy in Berkhamsted: How is Counselling different than a chat?
Why Counselling Isn't Just a Chat (And Why That's a Good Thing)
If you ever eavesdrop on two people chatting, what do you notice? For me, I'm often struck by how fast the conversation moves, how quickly the exchanges happen, and sometimes it seems like no sooner has one person stopped speaking before the other one starts. We interrupt each other constantly and are often completely oblivious of doing so.
Of course, there are also wonderful things that occur, people connecting, laughing, finding similarities and sharing their experiences. But everyday conversation is very different from what takes place in a counselling session, and understanding this difference helps explain why therapy can be so transformative.
The Pace of Real Listening
What many people notice when they start therapy is how much slower the conversation is than the normal pace of chat. One of the reasons for this is so that I can really hear what you're saying. If I want to truly hear you, I need to give you the time to say it and myself the time to absorb it. Importantly, I need to allow you space after you speak so that you can hear yourself.
People often enlighten themselves in curious and intriguing ways when they're given the space to talk with someone who provides the kind of attention that good listening offers. Given half the chance, people often fascinate themselves by what comes out of their mouths when they're asked the right questions and given time to explore. That can't happen if we're swamped by the pace of fast conversation.
At my first therapy session as a client, now nearly 20 years ago, I was startled afterward by realizing how calming it was to explore my experience in a way that was slow and measured, like there was no rush. I remember thinking, "Wow, this is what useful conversation really feels like"
The Problem with Advice-Giving
If you ever eavesdrop on two people chatting and one of them has a problem, what do you notice? I'm often struck by how quickly the words "should" or "need" make an appearance. How often have you talked to somebody about a problem you're having, and no sooner have the words come out of your mouth than you're hearing instructions or advice about what you should do or what you need to do about it?
Of course, all of these responses are usually meant with the best of intentions, but they often don't accomplish what they intend to. Somewhere along the line, it's as if we were all taught that the best way of helping someone is to come up with advice from our own way of looking at the world and try to convince them that's how they should see things, even though they're a completely different person with different needs, concerns, and feelings.
Why Advice Often Backfires
Giving people advice or telling them what they should do can completely shut down and invalidate their experience, robbing them of their own discoveries. It's often not until you experience being listened to without being swamped by a barrage of "shoulds" that you realize how relieving it is to talk without being advised about what to do.
As a result, there's no pressure. You can have the space to breathe, explore how you feel, go deeper, and discover what feelings and thoughts are hidden unconsciously underneath it all. This kind of exploration provides a dissipation of tension that's completely different from listening to advice or instruction.
What Therapeutic Conversation Actually Offers:
Facilitative Rather Than Instructional
It's not that a good counsellor will have nothing to say to you in the conversation, it's just that their input is unlikely to be instructional. It's more likely to be facilitative, the kind of input that provides an opening in your experience rather than something that shuts it down, the kind that aids you in discovering and helping yourself.
In my practice in Berkhamsted, I've learned that the most transformative moments often happen not when I offer insight or advice, but when I create space for people to hear themselves think. There's something profound about having your own thoughts and feelings reflected back to you with acceptance and curiosity rather than immediate solutions.
The Art of Therapeutic Questioning
The questions in therapy aren't designed to gather information for the therapist they're designed to help you explore territory you might not have examined before. "What was that like for you?" "What do you notice happening in your body when you talk about this?" "What would it mean if that were true?" These aren't questions with right answers; they're invitations to discover what you actually think and feel beneath the surface of what you think you should think and feel.
The Unique Safety of Professional Boundaries
One of the paradoxes of therapy is that the professional nature of the relationship, the fact that it's not friendship or family actually creates more space for authenticity. You don't have to protect the therapist's feelings or worry about how your struggles might affect them. You don't need to reciprocate support or maintain social niceties.
This professional containment allows for the exploration of experiences that might be too overwhelming or inappropriate in other relationships. It's the difference between being heard and being understood versus being responded to and advised.
Creating Space for What's Actually There
In everyday conversation, we often perform some version of ourselves the version we think others want to see or that we've learned is acceptable. In therapy, there's permission to explore what's actually there rather than what should be there. This includes difficult emotions, contradictory thoughts, and parts of your experience that don't fit neatly into social expectations.
What This Means for Your Emotional Life
When you experience this kind of deep listening and non-judgmental exploration, something shifts in how you relate to your own experience. Problems that felt insurmountable often become more workable not because they've been solved, but because your capacity to be with difficulty has expanded.
You begin to trust your own ability to navigate complexity rather than needing others to tell you what to do. This is profoundly different from advice-giving, which can inadvertently communicate that you're not capable of finding your own way through challenges.
The Integration of Mind and Body
In my work, I sometimes combine this kind of careful listening with acupuncture, particularly when anxiety or trauma has created chronic tension that makes it difficult to access your own inner wisdom. The body often holds emotional information that hasn't yet reached conscious awareness, and physical regulation can create space for the deeper psychological work to unfold.
This integrative approach recognizes that healing conversations happen most effectively when the nervous system feels safe and regulated.
When Therapeutic Conversation Might Help
Consider therapy if you find yourself:
- Feeling unheard or misunderstood in important relationships
- Stuck in patterns you'd like to understand better
- Overwhelmed by emotions or situations that others seem to handle easily
- Curious about your own inner life and what drives your reactions
- Needing space to think through important decisions without pressure
- Seeking understanding rather than advice about persistent difficulties
The therapeutic conversation offers something increasingly rare in our fast-paced world: permission to slow down, to not know, to explore rather than immediately solve, and to discover what you actually think and feel when given genuine space to do so.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q. How is therapy different from talking to friends?
A. Therapy offers focused, non-reciprocal attention where you don't need to manage the other person's reactions or provide support in return. The professional training helps create optimal conditions for self-discovery rather than advice-giving.
Q. What makes therapeutic questions different?
A. Therapeutic questions are designed to help you explore your own experience more deeply rather than to gather information. They create openings for self-discovery rather than leading toward predetermined answers.
Q. Why is slower conversation important in therapy?
A. Slower pace allows for deeper exploration, gives you time to hear yourself think, and creates space for unconscious material to emerge. It's the difference between skimming the surface and genuine exploration.
Q. Will my therapist give me advice?
A. Good therapy focuses on helping you discover your own insights rather than giving advice. The goal is to expand your capacity to navigate life's complexities rather than providing external solutions.
Q. How do I know if I need therapy vs. just someone to talk to?
A. If you're seeking understanding, self-discovery, and expanded capacity to handle life's challenges rather than advice or quick solutions, therapy might be more beneficial than casual conversation.
Further reading
If you find this article interesting you may also be interested in:
Why your therapists face matters
Resilience: the misunderstood concept
Catastrophising: A feature of the mind not a flaw
Sean Heneghan is a BACP registered counsellor who has been serving the Berkhamsted community for over 20 years. He specializes in creating the conditions for authentic self-discovery through careful listening and therapeutic conversation.
If you're interested in experiencing this kind of conversation for yourself:
Phone: 07717 515 013
Email: sean@seanheneghan.com
Located at: Berkhamsted Chiropractic Clinic, 69 High Street, Berkhamsted