Resilience: the misunderstood concept

 

Key Takeaways 

- Real resilience is being affected by difficulty while staying present and functioning 

- False resilience is emotional suppression disguised as strength 

- Affect tolerance is the ability to feel difficult emotions without being overwhelmed 

- True strength is built through connection and co-regulation, not isolation 

 

'Resilience' is everywhere. School posters, wellness blogs, HR workshops. We're told to build it, teach it, model it, and above all, to have it. But for all its popularity, resilience is rarely defined with any depth. 

More often than not, resilience gets mistaken for toughness - bouncing back, staying positive, pushing through. As if to be resilient means to be immune. But in my clinical work, these traits often signal something else entirely: not resilience, but suppression. The stoic who carries on without complaint may seem strong, but they're often shut down, disconnecting from feelings of vulnerability. 

Real resilience isn't about being unaffected. It's about being affected and still being able to stay present and functioning. It’s about being able to feel and be informed by one’s feelings without shutting down to them and still being able to act. 

 

The Bounce-Back Fantasy 

Popular culture paints resilience as the ability to snap back after hardship, like a rubber band returning to its original shape. But snapping back neatly and cleanly isn't always possible, and underneath this bounce-back fantasy lies a deeper cultural discomfort with falling apart. We praise those who smile through grief, who say "I'm fine" when inside they are anything but fine. We reward detachment and dissociation without deeper understanding. 

What I've observed in my practice challenges this entire framework. Some of the people who seem most "resilient" have learned to function at high intensity while covering up their vulnerability. High performers, people-pleasers, chronic carers, even high-functioning addicts may look resilient while being inwardly frayed. They've mastered the performance of strength while losing touch with their actual emotional experience. 

 

True resilience isn't about having it all together. It's about being receptive and open enough to feel what’s going on in you rather than being shut down and removed. There is much greater strength in opening up to difficult feeling than having to shut down because the capacity to feel  isn’t there. 

 

A Better Understanding: What Affect Tolerance Really Means 

Therapists sometimes use the term affect tolerance - the ability to feel difficult feelings without being overwhelmed by them. In practice, this looks like feeling anxious without needing to control everything, feeling fear without shutting down, grieving without becoming numb, sitting with pain without needing to escape immediately. 

This capacity isn't innate. It's built, first through co-regulation in childhood when a caregiver helps a child calm down, later through therapy, deep connection, or intentional emotional work. The irony is that real independence comes from first having had the safety to depend. 

Attachment theory tells us something crucial: resilience isn't rugged individualism. It's not "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." It's how well you were supported during what nearly killed you. Children learn to tolerate frustration when someone helps them regulate fear. Adults learn to face grief when they're allowed to feel it in the presence of another, and develop their capacities for emotional regulation in doing so. 

Resilience, then, is fundamentally relational. It's built in connection. 

 

The Danger of Mislabeling 

Calling someone "resilient" because they've kept going can be misleading and even harmful. It can reinforce the very defenses that are keeping them stuck. In men especially, this plays out as emotional disconnection, they're praised for not needing help, for pushing through, but these are often adaptations to trauma, not signs of health. 

Resilience shouldn't be a performance. We shouldn't reward people for suffering silently, for collapsing in private so they don't disrupt others. When we do this, we're not cultivating strength, we're perpetuating isolation. 

 

What Real Resilience Looks Like 

In therapy, the real work isn't about coping better, it's about relearning how to feel in contact, in safety. Learning to soften around pain instead of bracing against it, so that a deeper and more fundamental kind of strength can develop. 

Real resilience doesn't always look strong. It has an openness and a curiosity to it because it contains the willingness to be vulnerable, and to learn from it. To be resilient is to bend without breaking. It means being able to regulate emotions both internally through self-soothing and relationally by reaching out when needed. Most people lean too hard on one approach and neglect the other. 

Resilience is not a product you can buy or a state you achieve once and keep forever. It's a process, an ongoing capacity to stay connected to yourself and others even when life becomes difficult. It's the ability to feel your feelings without being destroyed by them, to ask for help without feeling diminished, to acknowledge pain without being consumed by it. 

This is the kind of resilience I try to support in therapy, not the clean, shiny kind that looks good on motivational posters, but the kind that comes from staying close to what hurts and discovering that you can survive it, learn from it, and remain fundamentally okay. 

 

Signs of False vs. Genuine Resilience 

 

False resilience often looks like: 

- Saying "I'm fine" while struggling internally 

- Never asking for help or showing vulnerability 

- Pushing through without acknowledging emotional impact 

- High performance coupled with emotional disconnection 

- Praise for "never complaining" or "always being strong" 

 

Genuine resilience includes: 

- Acknowledging difficult feelings without being overwhelmed 

- Being able to both self-soothe and reach out for support 

- Staying present during emotional difficulty 

- Learning from pain rather than just enduring it 

- Flexibility in how you respond to challenges 

 

Frequently Asked Questions 

 

 What's the difference between resilience and just being tough? 

Toughness often involves emotional suppression and disconnection from feelings. Real resilience means you can feel difficult emotions fully while still functioning and making good decisions. 

 

How do I know if I'm genuinely resilient or just suppressing emotions? 

Ask yourself: Can you feel your feelings without being overwhelmed by them? Can you ask for help when you need it? Do you recover from setbacks by learning and growing, or by just pushing through and forgetting? 

 

What does healthy emotional regulation actually look like? 

It means having multiple ways to manage difficult emotions, sometimes soothing yourself through breathing, mindfulness, or self-care, and sometimes reaching out to trusted people for support. Healthy regulation is flexible, not rigid. 

 

Can resilience be learned if I didn't have it modelled in childhood? 

Absolutely. While early co-regulation with caregivers helps, resilience can be developed through therapy, supportive relationships, and intentional emotional work at any age. 

 

If you're struggling and would like to develop genuine emotional resilience I offer therapy in Berkhamsted that helps people develop a more authentic relationship with difficult feelings and build real emotional capacity. 

 Phone: 07717 515 013   

 Email: sean@seanheneghan.com   

 Located at: Berkhamsted Chiropractic Clinic, 69 High Street, Berkhamsted 

 

 

About Sean Heneghan - Therapist in Berkhamsted 

Sean Heneghan is a BACP registered counsellor, a member of The British Acupuncture Council and a Cognitive Hypnotherapist based in Berkhamsted . He specializes in working with anxiety, trauma responses, and depression with a holistic approach to health.

Serving Berkhamsted, Tring, Hemel Hempstead, St Albans, and the wider Hertfordshire area.