Therapy for confidence and low self esteem in Berkhamsted
Struggling with low confidence or self-esteem? You're not alone. As a therapist in Berkhamsted, I work with many people who feel stuck in patterns of self-doubt and negative self-perception. It's common to think that if self-esteem or confidence is low, we should somehow be building it up—hence all the talk about "boosting" confidence. But I want to suggest something different: confidence isn't a deficiency of something that needs to be pumped up. It's actually the product of fundamentally held beliefs about the nature of yourself that you're probably unaware of.
Why "Confidence Boosting" Doesn't Work
When we think about problems with confidence and low self-esteem, we often think about them as problems of deficiency. We think of confidence and esteem as commodities that we're running low on, and we'd be okay if we could just get more of it. If the problem is one of lack, then it seems like the solution is to accumulate more. This paves the way for countless promises about ways of inflating self-esteem through positive thinking, affirmations, or confidence-building exercises.
But here's the problem: this quantitative conception of self-esteem doesn't account for the deeper roots that cause a lack of confidence. What really matters are the deeply held beliefs, conclusions, and self-concepts a person has about the fundamental nature of who they are.
What Really Lies Beneath Low Confidence
Take, for example, someone who carries these kinds of limiting beliefs about themselves: "I'm just not good enough," "I'm a failure," "I've never achieved anything," "I'm unloveable," or "I should be so much better than this." If these beliefs, or any similar ones, are felt to be true at a deep and fundamental level, then "boosting" self-esteem becomes meaningless. It would be like trying to lay some kind of positive affirmation on top of the fundamental idea that there's something wrong with you.
The real work lies in uncovering these beliefs and discovering how you arrived at them. If we work from the idea that self-esteem is a product of the conclusions we've come to about ourselves as a result of the experiences we've been through, then working with self-esteem becomes about uncovering, discovering, and exploring the beliefs that we've arrived at about who we are. For the most part, we're often unaware of how we really feel about ourselves—it's unconscious rather than conscious.
The Problem with Beliefs
The problem with beliefs is they replace accurate knowledge of reality. A belief is not true, but it's felt to be so. The core beliefs we have about ourselves are like deep hypnotic programming that structure all of our perceptions. It's possible, however, for false beliefs to be discovered as false. It's possible for false beliefs to be discovered as the mistaken conclusions we came to unconsciously when we assumed something about our worth in moments of difficulty or trauma.
Paradoxically, people often find a growing sense of self-esteem and self-value when they begin to perceive and lose the limiting and inaccurate beliefs they came to about themselves. Rather than adding something positive, we're actually removing something that was never accurate in the first place.
The Power of Interpretation: A Story
As part of my training, a story was told that helped illustrate this principle. There was once a young boy due to perform a solo song on stage at his Christmas play. When his cue came, he walked on but unfortunately tumbled over his own feet, landing flat on his face. Looking up into the spotlights, he saw rows of adults laughing and sniggering at him. He felt completely humiliated and totally exposed. In that moment, he concluded unconsciously: "People are cruel, I'm an idiot, and I will never reveal myself to them again." Years of shyness and hiding followed.
Now imagine a different young boy in the exact same situation. He walked on, tumbled and landed flat on his face. Looking up at the laughing adults, he realized: "I can make them laugh!" He stood up, did a little dance, the laughter grew louder and they began to applaud. "They love me!" he concluded, and an entertainer was born.
Same event, completely different interpretations, entirely different life outcomes. Of course, it's a simplistic tale, but the story illustrates the power of interpretation that we all bring to what happens to us. The brain is a predicting and concluding machine, constantly asking "What does this mean about me?" How we answer that question has huge implications for who we become and how we feel about ourselves.
What Real Confidence Looks Like
Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt therapy, once said: "If you feel comfortable in yourself, you don't love yourself and you don't hate yourself, you just live." There's something beautifully simple about this—the idea that wellbeing isn't about achieving some elevated state of self-love, but rather about losing the internal conflict that keeps us from simply being ourselves.
In my work with clients in Berkhamsted, I've worked with many people struggling with confidence and their self-esteem. When people begin to question the stories they've been telling themselves about who they are, when they start to see these beliefs as conclusions rather than facts, something begins to open up. The work becomes less about building something new and more about clearing away what was never true in the first place.
Common Questions About Therapy for Confidence and Low Self-Esteem
How long does it take to build confidence in therapy? Rather than "building" confidence, we focus on uncovering and releasing limiting beliefs. This process varies for each person, but discovery often begins within the first few sessions. Some people experience shifts quite quickly when they begin to see their self-critical thoughts as old conclusions rather than current truths.
What's the difference between confidence and self-esteem? Confidence is often situation-specific—confidence in your ability to do something particular—while self-esteem is your overall sense of self-worth. Both are affected by the underlying beliefs you hold about yourself, and both can be transformed through the same process of questioning what you think you know about who you are.
Can low self-esteem be completely overcome? Bulletproof selves that have no inkling of vulnerability don't exist, but there is tremendous scope in how we can feel about ourselves depending on what lies unquestioned in our unconscious. The goal isn't perfection or constant self-love, but rather a more realistic and compassionate relationship with yourself.
What if I've always been this way? Even long-standing patterns of low confidence usually stem from specific experiences and the conclusions drawn from them. These can be explored and opened up, regardless of how long they've been present. Sometimes the beliefs that feel most "true" about ourselves are the ones formed earliest, when we had the least capacity to interpret events accurately.
If you're struggling with these issues and would like help exploring them in therapy, I'm here to support you. The work involves curiosity rather than force, discovery rather than construction, and often relief rather than effort. You can reach me at:
Phone: 07717 515 013
Email: sean@seanheneghan.com
Located at: Berkhamsted Chiropractic Clinic, 69 High Street, Berkhamsted
Available Monday to Friday with both daytime and evening appointments.
Article last updated: July 2025